Did you know that it’s important to…expel waste from your body?
I’m not going to use that other word for it…you know, the word that rhymes with loop? I’m much too proper of a lady to discuss such a matter publicly. I’m a hip and classy baby, indeed.
Anyway, moving on.
If you do not expel waste in a manner that makes the grown up people around you happy, they will…do things to you. Things like feed you prune juice, or worse – suppositories.
Then they’ll sit and wait for stuff to start happening, and when it does they gag and talk about how gross it is, and you want to scream, YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU CRAZY PEOPLE!
Instead, you just get them back by expelling the waste right out of your diaper and up your back.
Yes, it is gross.
It is my most powerful weapon.
This month, I’m linking up with The Nester for this 31 Day series as I survive the newborn haze of sleepless nights, endless nursing, and squeezing in life in twenty minute increments throughout the day. If you want to receive the posts directly in your email inbox, just leave your email address in the box on the sidebar, and subscribe so you don’t miss a post!
I’ll share photos every day, some of them good, and some of them mediocre, because baby leaves me little time to worry about taking and editing the perfect photos.
I’ll also be sharing my daughter’s thoughts, as dictated to me telepathically while she nurses, because she has informed me that she is a mind ninja, and I am merely her portal to the outside world.
Now I get to tell you about Landon. He might be my favorite, only because he’s good for my ego. Every time he walks by me, he kisses my head or my cheek and tells me how sweet and cute I am.
“She’s so cute!” he says at least ten times a day. He knows how to make a girl feel good.
I’ve heard it mentioned several times that Landon is known to be “the funny one.” Apparently, he’s always good for a laugh. As soon as I can laugh, I expect to be laughing at him.
For a long time, Landon was the baby of the family and he’s not anymore. He doesn’t seem to mind, though, and that’s a good thing because I plan to make full use of my status at “the baby.” I’m gonna milk that title for all it’s worth, so he will need to step out of my way.
I don’t know that I’ve seen Landon without some sort of ball in his hand or at his feet. In my whole two and a half weeks in this home, he has played ball non-stop. It’s exhausting, honestly, but while watching him play ball lulls me to sleep, it seems to really energize him. He’s got boundless, unending energy, which will someday come quite in handy when I need to be entertained and played with as mom-lady begs for a nap.
Landon will save me from excruciating boredom, I’m sure of it. But clearly I’m going to need to brush up on my ball handling skillz.
That’s right, I said skillz.
I’m one hip and happenin’ baby, yo?
Peace out.
This month, I’m linking up with The Nester for this 31 Day series as I survive the newborn haze of sleepless nights, endless nursing, and squeezing in life in twenty minute increments throughout the day. If you want to receive the posts directly in your email inbox, just leave your email address in the box on the sidebar, and subscribe so you don’t miss a post!
I’ll share photos every day, some of them good, and some of them mediocre, because baby leaves me little time to worry about taking and editing the perfect photos.
I’ll also be sharing my daughter’s thoughts, as dictated to me telepathically while she nurses, because she has informed me that she is a mind ninja, and I am merely her portal to the outside world.
Today I’d like to introduce you to my sister. Sometimes I wonder if she is just another mom-lady in a smaller body, the way she dotes on me and refers to me over and over as “her baby.”
I think I’m going to like this girl they call “Tia.” I’ve heard her mention several times that she can’t wait until I’m older so she can fix my hair and teach me to put on make up (which is actually a bit frightening, honestly. The other day she and a friend gave each other makeovers, and if that’s how she intends to do my make up, I think I’ll just stick to the natural look, thankyouverymuch.)
Tia also promises to teach me gymnastics, which is totally radical because from what I hear, she is pretty awesome at the sport. I went to her meet last weekend and watched her win first place All Around, so I know first hand how awesome she is.
(And by “watched her win” I assume you all understand that I mean “slept through her win.” I’m an infant, people. I can’t be expected to care or take interest in anything you all are doing. If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m pretty much checked out.)
Anyway – I’m certain that this Tia is going to be one of my idols. I intend to follow her everywhere she goes, and ask her constantly to play with me. I’m sure she’ll love that. Yes. Yes, she will. She won’t ever tire of playing with me, or grow annoyed with my constant presence. She will rush home from school every day and willingly and gratefully sit-down to play with me for hours on end.
In fact, it’ll probably become annoying to me after awhile. I’ll beg her to leave me alone and give me peace because she’ll just want to be with me every spare moment of the day.
I’m quite confident of that.
Wait…why are you laughing?!
This month, I’m linking up with The Nester for this 31 Day series as I survive the newborn haze of sleepless nights, endless nursing, and squeezing in life in twenty minute increments throughout the day. If you want to receive the posts directly in your email inbox, just leave your email address in the box on the sidebar, and subscribe so you don’t miss a post!
I’ll share photos every day, some of them good, and some of them mediocre, because baby leaves me little time to worry about taking and editing the perfect photos.
I’ll also be sharing my daughter’s thoughts, as dictated to me telepathically while she nurses, because she has informed me that she is a mind ninja, and I am merely her portal to the outside world.
On my third morning in this place they call home, mom-lady told dad that she had a dream. A couple named Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie came to visit because, apparently, they wanted to meet me.
Mom-lady told dad that Angelina, or “Angie,” held me and coo’ed (people do that when they hold me) while she spoke with Brad about a movie called Romeo and Juliette, and whether or not some guy name Leonardo DiCaprio is a good actor.
Whatever the heck that means.
Dad picked me up and held me out in front of him. “I wonder if Brad and Angie wanted to adopt you,” he said, and they both laughed.
Frankly, I didn’t find that funny at all.
My parents are weird.
Join me in this 31 Day series as I survive the newborn haze of sleepless nights, endless nursing, and squeezing in life in twenty minute increments throughout the day. If you want to receive the posts directly in your email inbox, just leave your email address in the box on the sidebar, and subscribe so you don’t miss a post!
I’ll share photos every day, some of them good, and some of them mediocre, because baby leaves me little time to worry about taking and editing the perfect photos.
I’ll also be sharing my daughter’s thoughts, as dictated to me telepathically while she nurses, because she has informed me that she is a mind ninja, and I am merely her portal to the outside world.
I’m dictating my thoughts on life to the mom-lady telepathically while I nurse.
THAT’S RIGHT. I AM THAT GIFTED!
This is how I usually look when I’m giving the mom-lady the 4-1-1 on this thing called living:
To the untrained eye, I look like any other sleeping baby, but really I am a ninja of the mind. This is just my disguise.
Incidentally, I’m also hungry all the time, which means mom-lady and I are basically attached to one another. This gives me ample amounts of time to let her know all about how life is rolling along as I see it.
This mom-lady is actually handy to have around because all I have to do is let out a short wail and she’s at my beck and call. It’s awesome. So far it’s the best thing about living on the outside.
Eight days ago, I was wrapped tight in a cocoon. It was quiet and safe. No one poked me or stuck thermometer in my rear end (that was…different), or expected me to sleep for hours on end without nourishment.
Life on earth is scary.
But mom-lady is nice. So’s the guy they call “dad.” I like how he smells, but he doesn’t give me food, so he’s not my number one favorite. I have a feeling, though, that someday he will be super fun to hang around.
There are also three other people in this house with us. And a dog, but the dog ignores me, which is fine by me because from my vantage point she is just a giant hairy monster waiting to eat my face off.
I think I’m going to like the other three people, too. They kiss on me a lot, which is nice. Everybody likes to be kissed, right?
So for the next 31 Days, I’m going to be sharing what life looks like from my viewpoint. And mom-lady will be sharing pictures, because from what I can deduce, one of her hands has a built in camera attached to it.
My mom might be a robot…
Join me in this 31 Day series as I survive the newborn haze of sleepless nights, endless nursing, and squeezing in life in twenty minute increments throughout the day. If you want to receive the posts directly in your email inbox, just leave your email address in the box on the sidebar, and subscribe so you don’t miss a post!
I’ll share photos every day, some of them good, and some of them mediocre, because baby leaves me little time to worry about taking and editing the perfect photos.
I’ll also be sharing my daughter’s thoughts, as dictated to me telepathically while she nurses, because she has informed me that she is a mind ninja, and I am merely her portal to the outside world.
Day Eighteen: No, I didn’t blog again today. I had to watch my brothers play soccer, then go to my sister’s gymnastics meet. Baby life is exhausting. WHO HAS TIME TO BLOG EVERY DAY???!!!
This month, I’m linking up with The Nester for this 31 Day series as I survive the newborn haze of sleepless nights, endless nursing, and squeezing in life in twenty minute increments throughout the day. If you want to receive the posts directly in your email inbox, just leave your email address in the box on the sidebar, and subscribe so you don’t miss a post!
